He wrote the book of love

A deputy was summoned to probe a case of unrequited love. According to the young Juliet of the house, she’d only yester-eve dispatched a forcefully-worded electronic text-parchment to her tarnished Romeo of four years bidding him never darken her iPod again. Distraught, but strong of heart and thumb, the romantic castaway responded with no fewer than 25 tender and protracted communiqués offering his thoughts on their troubled relationship and plighting eternal troth. Irritated, his Queen of Hearts bade the officer end the wordy persecutions forthwith. Though finding nothing in the sappy prose of a threatening or dishonorable character, the deputy phoned the tragic fellow and suggested he put down his cyber-quill anon.

Precocious punks plus primordial people plumb perpetual pep principles

 

Ankh: The ancient Egyptian symbol for eternal life.

Corey Baron and Peter Link sat together, last Thursday morning, at a round table in Evergreen’s Senior Resource Center. Unlikely lab partners, they were separated by less than 2 feet and more than half a century.

“How often do you eat green salad?” asked 11-year-old Corey, her freshly-sharpened #2 pencil poised over a lengthy questionnaire spread on the table in front of her.

“At least once a day,” said Peter, an active man who’ll turn 77 come November.

“What kind of snack foods do you usually eat?”

“Nuts and cashews, mostly, but I do have a fondness for chocolate.”

“My brother’s the same way,” said Corey, with a reassuring smile. “How well do you hear?”

“My wife thinks I’m going deaf, but you can just say ‘good.’”

Corey looked uncertain for a moment, but soldiered on. To her credit, Corey understood almost half of Peter’s uncomplicated jokes, or pretended to. A self-possessed girl with dark hair and a careful demeanor, she interviewed her aged friend for the better part of 20 minutes, delving into many parts of his past and present life.

A field-geologist by training and unrepentant local Curmudgeon by temperament, Peter was good-natured, deceptively youthful, and clearly delighted by his young interrogator. He answered all inquiries quickly, completely, and with as much humor as he thought Corey would tolerate.

Corey wasn’t asking all those questions just to be polite, although she was very polite. In that sunny room at the Yellow House, she and the rest of her Evergreen Middle School classmates from Laura Thompson-Beato’s sixth-grade gifted-and-talented class hoped that more than a dozen of the mountain-area’s oldest residents could help them unlock one of humanity’s most elusive secrets.

“They’re studying the secrets to living a long, healthy life,” Thompson-Beato said. “It’s part of an international study to find out why some people are able to stay healthy and vigorous when they’re over 80, 90, or even 100 years old. What they find out today will be pooled with information from around the world and could someday help people lead longer, better lives.”

The students’ friendly grilling was part of a special curriculum called the Blue Zone Program, named for those curious pockets around the globe where, for reasons unknown, local populations tend to longevity and folks remain vigorous even unto triple digits.

“I call the program ‘live long and prosper,’” Thompson-Beato laughed. “It’s hard to keep old age relevant to an 11-year-old. How much interest can they have in somebody who’s 80? They really get into the financial part of it, though. As far as they’re concerned, compound interest is the 8th wonder of the world. This is the first time we’ve done this, but I’m definitely going to do it again next year.”

Student Samantha Raeder spent a pleasant half-hour prospecting the bright nuggets of wit and wisdom collected over the years by Josephine, a gentle soul of 81. It was time well-spent for both.

“I was surprised she doesn’t exercise very much, but she’s pretty religious,” Samantha said. “I think it’s interesting that people who have deep religious faith tend to live longer. I want to be a Buddhist, but I haven’t really started yet.”

“This was a lot of fun,” said Josephine, looking at least 10 years younger than she had an hour before. “It sure takes me back to my younger days.”

Of course, each detailed questionnaire was simply prologue to the Big Question – what must a youngster do to ensure a long, healthy, happy life? Jackie McFarland, who just turned 80, still looks 60 and laughs like a 20-year-old, gave young Kelsey the 411.

“I told her she should be considerate of her elders and others, eat a balanced diet, and stay socially active,” Jackie said. “I also think it’s very important for kids to be responsible, especially today. Every action has consequences. That’s something my own grandchildren haven’t learned yet.”

Though Peter couldn’t offer Corey the secret to eternal youth, he presented her with plenty of solid counsel and a few surprises. Born at the dawn of the Great Depression, Peter walks several miles a day, splits his own firewood and plays softball on the semi-fearsome Curmudgeon squad. And he looked pretty energetic for a man who recently returned from an arduous exploration of Antarctica. Age and well-being, he told Corey, are mostly states of mind.

“I like that he thinks that your attitude is the most important thing,” Corey said. “That’s what I’ve always thought, and this just proves it.”

Perhaps most importantly, she discovered that she and Peter, despite the long reach of years between them, are more alike than she would have supposed.

“I learned that just because somebody’s old it doesn’t mean it’s weird to talk to them, and I don’t have to be nervous about it,” said Corey, seriously. “He’s a very nice man. He’s just a regular person.”

Where the Woman Comes Weaving Down the Lane…

At about 2 o’clock in the morning, a JCSO deputy
pulled over a gray Volkswagen with Oklahoma plates after it wandered over a
double-yellow on Brook Forest Road and nearly joined him in the front seat of
his patrol car. The talkative young lady behind the wheel sloppily explained
that she was merely headed home from her bartending shift at an elegant
Kittredge restaurant. Since her shift ended at 10 p.m. and her breath was
stripping the finish off his badge, the officer wondered if maybe she’d used
the 4-hour interval to knock back a few, or a few dozen. “I’m not going to say
anything because I don’t want to incriminate myself,” she barely pronounced,
right before launching into a rambling explanation about how she’d spent the
time doing “paperwork, employee evaluations, etcetera, etcetera.” As luck would
have it, a noble Samaritan sporting Georgia plates and claiming to manage her
place of work stopped at the scene. He explained that he was “following her to
make sure she got home safely,” although he couldn’t explain how following in a
separate vehicle ensured anything besides a good view to her misfortune. On the
way down to Jeffco’s lock-up, the synthetically emotional woman ran by turns
hostile and sarcastic, surly and depressed, sullen and loudly musical. On
arrival, she sought to confound her tormentor by standing board-stiff just
outside the door, but he artfully countered the ruse by physically dragging her
into the booking office and citing her for driving while high as an elephant’s
eye.images

A Case of Proportionality

A man called JCSO to report that he’d confronted
a suspicious “partial Hispanic” fellow parked in his driveway on the afternoon
of Sept. 21. The racially ambiguous visitor carried a large manila envelope
with the man’s wife’s name misspelled on the front that he said contained legal
documents that must be hand-delivered to the addressee. The uninvited guest
wouldn’t give the envelope to the complainant, and the complainant wouldn’t say
when or where his wife might be located. His alleged mission a presumed
failure, the stranger left. Pressed by the officer for details, the man
described the interloper as a 6-foot-tall 20-something wearing jeans and a
T-shirt, and pegged him at “30-percent Hispanic.” He thought the truck might
have been red, but couldn’t be certain because he’s “color blind.”mexican

Playboy Cabeen

Sin1Is there anything more picturesque than a rustic cabin nestled amid snow-kissed pines before a rushing mountain stream? How about all of the above plus a red-hot coed lounging around totally starkers?

If that sounds like every guy’s favorite recurring dream, it’s really just a day in the life of Clear Creek County. Well, one day, anyway. Two weeks ago, Friday, to be exact. But let’s not reveal too much, too quickly.

A few months ago, Evergreen residents Diane and Roger Turek purchased a cabin in Mill Creek Park, a superb bit of nowhere in the boondocks about three miles north of Dumont in Clear Creek County. Bounded by Arapahoe National Forest, the wooded property dips its mossy toes in 450 feet of chuckling brook – a fitting stage for the charming 1,300 square foot, two-bedroom, cedar-clad chalet thereon. “We’re absolutely in love with it,” Diane said. “We’re going to retire there, someday.”

Someday is not today, so when the Tureks aren’t enjoying their alpine hideaway, they offer it for rent over the internet.

“One of the bedrooms is a loft,” Diane said, “and it has a conversation pit – real après-ski, you know?” Early on, she and Roger discussed losing the architectural anachronism, but their friends wouldn’t hear of it. “It’s classic Colorado, isn’t it?”

Don’t worry, men, we’re getting there.

About three weeks ago, the Tureks were relaxing in their mountain redoubt, listening to Lewis and Floorwax on 103.5 FM and reflecting on the duo’s thoughtful analysis of the day’s events. On that day, the popular radio hosts were interviewing some college students of the female persuasion who’d been chosen to represent their particular institutions in Playboy magazine’s “Women of the Big 12” issue, presumably because of their academic excellence. Between asking the hard questions and congratulating the girls on their manifest virtues, the sober pair broadcast Playboy’s phone number and urged anyone who knew of a suitably Coloradan venue for the University of Colorado’s shoot to dial it without delay.

“You know what?” Diane asked her husband. “Nothing says Colorado like this place.”

She called the magazine and left a brief message including the web address where pictures of the Mill Creek Park estate could be viewed, and wasn’t especially surprised when nobody called back. Some days later, just to satisfy herself that she and Roger had been snubbed, she rang Playboy’s Chicago office again and was connected with the project’s art director.

“He said they’d be here on Friday.”

“They” were the art director, a photographer, a makeup artist, sundry union hacks and, of course, the exquisite centerpiece who would probably have to make up that day’s physics lab, or whatever, another time. According to Diane, the Playboy crew was pleased as punch with the location.

“They were giddy-happy,” she said. “In the pictures on the internet, everything’s dry, but it snowed the night before and the trees were all white.” Better still, the water in the stream out front was rimmed with shimmering, icy arabesques. “You could just picture Pete Coors standing next to it.”

The crew spent about seven hours capturing the young beauty as God made her, first in front of a roaring fire the couple built in the cabin’s stone fireplace, then outside amid nature’s naked grandeur.

“They pitched a tent by the creek and put a couple snowshoes in front of it,” Diane said. “It was supposed to look like a Colorado winter camp, and they took pictures of her lying on a blanket in front of the tent.”

What are the Boy Scouts not telling us?

The Tureks were able to uncover little information about the young scholar, other than that she attended CU in Boulder, was above-average gorgeous and seemed to know her way around a photo-shoot.

“She was very comfortable in her own skin, and completely comfortable with the camera,” Diane said. “I think she’s probably done some modeling on the side.”

That’s just conjecture, though, because the girl’s name, age, professional skills and field of study never came up.

“I got the feeling they didn’t want to give too much information about her, probably to protect her privacy.”

As opposed to her modesty.

Sin2Late in the afternoon, the little party stowed their gear, thanked the Tureks for the use of their charming forest realm and headed back down the canyon. Miss CU left with them, fully clothed.

“It was really interesting, and just a lot of fun,” Diane said. “And everything was done first-class – really tasteful.”

Though Roger was prudently unavailable for comment, it’s fair to suppose that he found the episode equally rewarding.